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Helping someone manage their self esteem © Copyright Page.

To determine if someone has low self-esteem, look at three components -- feeling valuable, feeling capable and feeling powerful. A person who is having problems with self-esteem is generally having problems in one or more of those areas. Low self-esteem has its roots in two possible causes -- externally generated input or feedback and internally generated self-doubt.

Externally Generated Input or Feedback Do NOT copy this page!!!
This is a person's perception of negative circumstances or the way other people treat them and their accomplishments. One of the keys with helping someone to manage their self esteem lies in an ability to establish causality. Did the self-doubt bring about the situation that generated the feedback that created the low self-esteem or was it a series of unpleasant events that fuelled self-doubt, which attracted more negative events? One truly important point to make in the search for the cause(s) is to remain very aware that a person could be suffering from a clinical problem such as depression, which should be addressed by medical professionals.

Typical examples of externally generated self-esteem issues would include difficult personal relationships, a demanding boss, and feeling under pressure due to a clearly identifiable source. Remove the cause and the self esteem returns. Here the person should try and face up to the cause of the problem and be very honest about the severity of its impact.

Then it's probably the case of objectively considering the options, risks and benefits of a path of action and establishing a support structure either personal or professional. Change is probably inevitable.

Internally Generated Self-Doubt Do NOT copy this page!!!
Examples of internally generated low esteem would include irrational beliefs (e.g. ugliness), an inability to obtain and retain a job as a result of feeling unworthy, and habitual guilt. It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

Here it's not a matter of facing up to a cause but dealing with a case of false perception. Often these conditions are manifested in people who are quite suggestible. (If you tell some personality types that they are ugly or their job performance is poor, they quickly begin to accept the feedback as absolute and irrefutable.) This ingrained self-esteem is more difficult to address and relies upon the person becoming suggestible to positive images.

Help them primarily to see that their worth comes not from perceptions within or criticisms without, but from their intrinsic value as placed on them by God. God is the only One who knows me completely, and loves me totally. I never have to fear he'll learn something about me that is so bad that He'll reject me. God says "Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee" Jeremiah 31:3. God has even seen me at my worst, and yet He still loves me. We were created in God's Image (Genesis 1:26-28), we are important to God and are known by Him (Psalms 139:1-6), God knew us before we were born (Psalms 139:13-18), we are important to God (Matthew 10:29-31), and we are more valuable than His Son (John 3:16).

Coaching can be also done whereby the person is helped to identify the things they are good at and accept the successes they have had and could enjoy again. When you help someone with his or her self-esteem and you help him or her get to a position where they can make more and more positive choices for themselves. Be a positive role model demonstrating positive statements rather that negative ones. According to Gael Lindenfield (in Confident Children: A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Feel Good About Themselves, Thorsons (Harper Collins), Glasgow 1994. pp20-22), we can provide "self confidence 'nutrients': Love, Security, Role models, Relationships, Health, Resources, Support, and Rewards".

Dr Lionel Hartley © 2007 Do NOT copy this page!!!

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